Where is Grace?

It seems today's news is full of the same:  liars in politics (really?); debate over the role of government in serving those most in need (news?); climate disaster impact on holiday travel and a prediction of more fires on the horizon in California (mega change, hello!); and one of the most successful young entrepreneurs pictured in handcuffs because of his failures related to crypto (potential brilliance without guardrails?).  It's all happening now.

In the midst of the cacophony of chaos being reported, I am helping to care for my 92 year old father who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  It's a bit scary because my 90 year old mom tested positive for Covid last week and she is saying her kids are treating her as if she is a "criminal" because we are insisting she stay in her room. Her verbal attack includes a lesson on gender, "I am a woman!  I have to cook for your dad so I am sorry, but I will not stay in my room and I will make sure he is fed!"  (Never mind that the three local daughters are bringing food, going grocery shopping, covering the daily routine of getting dad up in the morning and putting him to rest at night because the caregiver is also positive for Covid.).  It can take up to 3 hours to manage the morning and night time routine, depending on dad's mood.  This is happening now.

The world is spinning in its own cycle; and our little part of it is also spinning within the spinning.  Unlike other families, who may have the ability to tap into grace in these situations, ours seems to be struggling with finding a way to live within it.  Dad is the source of our struggle:  he has reverted, is losing capacity to stay with daily life functions, and possesses a strong will to live as long as possible - "I don't want to die!" (his words when he got very disoriented).  And of course, we we tried to comfort him, focusing and reminding him about his deep faith in the eternal:  God.  But he still wishes to remain in a body and mind that is fading and says he wants to live!

It raises the question for me:  Where can I find grace?  It's a meditation on the conditions of life that require each person to surrender something that must give way to the divine within us - that something is in how to provide dignity, through the spirit of generosity and compassion.

Grace is a term that is a noun, a verb, and an adjective - very fluid and very human - living into it is challenging when conditions call upon something beyond knowledge, physical/financial ability to provide support, and kindness.  

As my dad resists moving from his bed to his seat at the dining table, as he protests much like a child who doesn't want to be disturbed from the comfort of his warm bed, repeating over and over again, "Wait a minute, wait a minute!" or, "What do you you want me to do?" or "Can you just leave me alone?", over a period of many hours - I cajole, I get stern, I walk away and do a bit of house cleaning.  

In the meantime, he drifts back to dozing, and my mom knows not to come into the bedroom that is modest in size because I have warned her that I am of an age that is considered "high risk" for the infection.  These two people spent their lives raising four kids, ensuring that family stayed intact through personal and natural disasters (as when the Sylmar earthquake hit the valley while my dad was in Mexico City trying to complete his studies in medicine; and mom was home with four kids, alone). These two people lived through the Korean war.  They also lived through migration into this country - with literally zero family support or social network.  They worked 40 and 30 years, respectively as public sector workers in health and in teaching.  They wouldn't call it "grace" that got them through all of life.  

But right now, given their desire to age in place;  given the blessing of having three of the four kids they raised close by; and given the reality of having good genes that have brought both into their 90's - I need to find grace to stay with the morning and evening routines.  It is a moment in life when appreciating the chance to live into the word, arises.  

A beautiful word, with so much meaning for human beings - and not easy or predictable in how it manifests.   The definition comes from living into the meaning.  The conditions are a reminder:  here is a mirror into which I must gaze to reflect on whether the true self includes an aspect what we might call "grace.".