Not Knowing
The sky showed a pinkish tone in the grey today. The temperature sits at 65 degrees fahrenheit and it feels like the day will clear to a beautiful late afternoon. Today is Saturday.
It has been said that that which is sacred is beyond knowing. Yet, we spend so much effort trying to know who we are, indeed some say the most important question is "Who am I?", and when people are on this journey trying to find the answer to that question, even if there is a belief that an answer has been found, another question arises, "So what?"
Life is sacred. This is what we come to understand if we live long enough through changes that are inexplicable. Those changes can be in the realm of the very personal to the collective, expanding to the entire world. Our efforts make no impact on some of the outcomes. Our care and deep dedication may seem entirely irrelevant. Our cleverness will not find a way around what life brings our way. And through all of it, we go on. Some less happily than others.
This need to know is a burden. Self-awareness is one thing, but trying to get to an answer to "Who am I?" is really futile. The ground is constantly shifting. So when one gets to knowing something, already that knowledge is not quite accurate anymore. Changes happen moment by moment. The myriad of things people attach to knowing "I" can get confusing. Are you your race, your gender, your religion, your job, your sexual orientation? Or, are you a construct of all these things and do those things stay the same throughout a lifetime?
It seems a good thing to not know. It seems quite alright to be in a constant state of engagement in life in a way that allows one to know some aspect of themselves in each moment. In the not knowing, one can experience a kind of humble beginning over and over again, so that every regret can become a teaching, and every mistake can become a door to many other ways of getting to one's goal.
Letting go of expectations of yourself and meeting the expectations of others is a good first step so that when someone asks, "Who do you think you are?", you can respond with great confidence, "I don't know. I'm just here, now." And this would be the most honest and accurate answer you could give.
Maybe encountering the sacred is just too simple. Why? Because the sacred may be everywhere and anywhere one surrenders to what is - even if what is may be frightening to witness. But mostly, we can find the sacred within and around us - as in the air we breathe, the food and water we drink, the moon that rises and opens to fullness, and the sunsets that allow us to start again on our spiritual journey.
What it means to allow oneself to admit they do "not know" is a challenge because we are in a society that puts such a heavy emphasis on knowing information - to the point where the question becomes entirely self-centered, not necessarily self-aware. So, "Who am I?" has become ubiquitous and if there is an answer, the question still remains, "So what?".